The Final Frontier

Have you ever gotten irritated because the person in line behind you at Target is standing too close? Yes? How about this one: Ever been thrown into a complete funk when your Friday night plans fall through at the last minute? Yes again? Congratulations. You and I, we’re part of the space problem.

Here in the United States we have a strange relationship with space. We don’t understand it. Physical space, personal space, we hoard… to an extent likely never seen before in the history of the world. Children divide backseats into “my half” and “your half.” People will put themselves in the harness of debt for an extra couple years to maximize “how much house” they can buy. Our cities expand exponentially like gigantic cul-de-sac tumors, not because of exponential population growth, but because of exponential space demands. We’re uncomfortable sharing an elevator with more than one other person. If the arm of the person behind us in line at the grocery store brushes against ours, we break out in a cold sweat.

Taken by itself, this could perhaps be considered odd, yes… but still easily explained. OK, so Americans like to have lots of space. Maybe it comes from our heritage as a country of unending opportunity… free land for anyone willing to travel far enough to claim it. But a second look complicates the story. We hoard our personal space, but at the same time, we seem to be deathly afraid of any unclaimed social space.

Our lives are ridiculously crowded. It often takes a couple weeks to actually make a hangout happen with somebody. PDAs come out at first mention of getting together, usually followed closely by something like ‘Uh… I’ve got a Tuesday at 2:15…?’. I have friends that regularly double book their weekend nights, cause one event is clearly not enough stimulation for a Friday. Hell, I’d double-book myself if I was cool enough. We complain that we work too much, that commuting is such a ferocious waste of time. But what happens when we get let go early on a weekday? We get home and… uh… mmm. I could get something done… like uh… or I could do something cool, like… er… crap, well let’s just see what’s on TV while I’m figuring out what I want to do. And six hours later you go to sleep.

We seem to not only find ourselves with little social space in our lives, but we seem almost afraid of it. I’d go so far as to suggest that we actively avoid social space. On the heels of a recent breakup, I was surprised to find that the thing that stood out to me most in the new landscape of my life was that my days seemed so interminably long. It freaked me right out. For the first couple weeks I checked my phone a lot, hoping against hope for that voicemail that’d save me from drowning again in a whole night’s worth of time and space. Sometimes it came… and sometimes it didn’t. And when it didn’t, I either came up with something worthwhile to do, or I wasted time. I wasted a lot of time. Here’s the part that amazes me looking back: when I did step out and do something by myself, or sought out someone to spend time with… it exhausted me. I tried to figure out why, and it turned out the simplest explanation might be the truest: I was out of practice.

Unfortunately, this is not a benign phenomenon. In the last one hundred years, our world, and in particular western culture, has changed dramatically. One undeniable trend has been that our lifestyles have become increasingly sedentary. Left to our own devices, humans always slide towards the path of least resistance. Being an active person in this day and age most often means that you spend good money and a few hours a week running on a glorified hamster wheel, or lifting metal plates and putting them back down. Can you imagine if you dropped an ancient Roman into a 24 Hour Fitness? He’d probably be completely befuddled, first of all… followed closely by hysterical laughter and his wracking his brain for a strong enough version of ‘idiocy.’ I feel like we’re going this direction socially. With the growth in means and immediacy of communication, it’s become easier and easier to surround ourselves in padded social bubbles, habits that require the minimum of effort. We’re to the point now where not even public spaces require us to interact with the public. Our own friends are never more than a speed dial away, our own music pumped into our sound-proofed ears. This trend is more recent, to be sure, and the timeline compressed, but the phenomenon is the same, and I fear equally detrimental.

On the pyramid of basic human needs, you’ll find food, safety and shelter right at the foundation. After 26 years of movie watching, driving, microwaves and fast food, could I provide even one of those things for myself in the event of apocalyptic emergency? With a nod towards human beings amazing knack for producing when survival is at stake, I’d still have to say I’d probably be in trouble. In terms of physical capacity, savvy and knowledge, I’m completely lacking. I’m out of practice, and it probably would kill me if the chips are down.

You see where this is going don’t you? Clever readers you all are (and patient… with a high tolerance for sarcasm to have read this far). The chips are down. We are driving our DVD-playing SUV headlong into social apocalypse, and our lack of relational practice is killing our souls. We lack even the most basic of social human needs. So what do we do?

The first thing we need to do, in my opinion, is to get over our fear of social space. Our human knack for rising to the challenge when survival is at stake applies here as well. I’ve spent much of my conscious life battling a tendency towards debilitating timidity. Yet when put in an awkward or difficult situations, I’ve found that even I am capable of functioning well, often with fantastically rewarding results. The good news is that it makes the next time just a tiny bit easier. The inertia that keeps us couch bound, once set in motion, can keep us moving. The exhaustion gives way to a healthy fatigue, like after a full day of manual labor (remember what that felt like?). Blow up your schedule. Leave gaps between plans so big you can’t even imagine how to fill them, and then, when they arrive, fill them with something you’ll be glad you did the next day. That’s the test for me, will I be happy I did this in the morning.

You’ll find yourself confronted with the idea of social space. Breathe. It’s good for you. This time is unclaimed. It’s just you. You are responsible for how you spend the next 5 hours. Wait. That’s worth repeating. YOU are responsible for this time. Start with what you need: Are you in need of spending some time with people? Then call someone, and tell them you want to hang. It has blown my mind how hard something as simple as that can be when you’re out of practice. Do you need time alone? Choose to be alone. The important point is the choice. Do you enjoy photography? Take a class. Yes, by yourself. You might make a friend. It’s funny, you tend to find a lot of people into photography in a photography class… you and your new friend might even have something to talk about. How novel!

Now there’s a sticky spot in there that I want to address real quick. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the statement, ‘I just need to turn my brain off for a little while.’ I might be wrong on this one, and I’d love to have a conversation with you about it, but here’s my thought on that. Take it or leave it. It is precisely our consciousness that makes us human. We think, therefore we are. You never know when it will be of utmost importance to have your brain on and prepared to function at its highest level, and I can’t see how ‘turning your brain off’ could help you do that. My brain goes into power-save mode from disuse often enough already… I have no need to choose to do that.

I have a theory that I use on myself from time to time, it goes like this: In a moment of strength, make a decision you can’t go back on. I can’t tell you how many great experiences I’ve had due only to self-application of this theory… and none of those would’ve happened without a choice.

So make a choice. Do something you wouldn’t normally do. Maybe it’ll flop spectacularly… if so, you’ve got yourself a great story. Or it could be the best thing you’ve ever done. You might just find social muscles you didn’t know you had.

Get some exercise.

/////////////
c